


Fifty Shades of Cnut.

by palegingerade



Category: Believe Nothing
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pre-Canon, Author is a huge Rik Mayall fan, Caning, Dom/sub Play, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Mentions of Fifty Shades of Grey, Not a crossover - just inspired by, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Sexual Tension, Suit Porn, Teacher-Student Relationship, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-26
Updated: 2015-06-26
Packaged: 2018-04-06 08:07:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4214418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/palegingerade/pseuds/palegingerade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hannah Awkward, once a brilliant student, finds her perfect grades slipping and her brilliant mind wandering to her equally brilliant professor.</p><p>Professor Cnut is the cleverest man in Britain, and if he can't make her good again, he can certainly make her really really bad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fifty Shades of Cnut.

**Author's Note:**

> Bit of a random fandom this but it doesn't seem to want to leave me alone. If you're not familiar with Rik Mayall in Believe Nothing I suggest you stop what you're doing and watch it immediately!
> 
> Borrowed characters, not mine. If they were mine it would be a porn film not a comedy series. Not 50 Shades affiliated, just a mish-mash of kinks I wanted to throw in one story and I think I've broken my brain with this one.
> 
> *currently finishing my young ones fic then this will be updated*

It was five past nine on a freezing cold Monday morning and it was far too early for thoughts of this nature. I had been in class for less than five minutes but I was already staring at the Professor as he shrugged the trench coat off his shoulders and strode confidently towards the window. As he reached and tugged the blinds closed stripes of sunlight warmed his face and the slight fluttering of dust in the atmosphere dazzled in his thick blonde hair. Even in darkness the effect was breathtaking, and as he turned back towards me and looked me in the eye I certainly wasn't feeling the cold anymore. 

"Good morning all. I trust you all had another alcohol infused weekend judging by the state of some of you. Can I make a suggestion that we refrain from regurgitating the last fifteen pints of watered down lager consumed at the university bar last night and let's pick up where we left off on Friday shall we? Now, who wants to go first?"

I was still staring longingly as I reached for the relevant books in my bag, my eyes never even taking time out to blink as they followed him back across the room. 

English literature HAD been my favourite class and WAS my highest grade, but now we had a replacement Professor I was failing so miserably I hated it. I was that distracted I spent most of the time with my head in the clouds instead of buried in the books in front of me but it wasn't my fault, it was his. It was all his. It probably didn't help that I purposly sat on the front row and he was sometimes so close I could reach out and touch him, or that when he read aloud he leant against my desk and I could faintly smell the smokiness of his aftershave. I knew it would soon be my turn and after briefly glancing at the next page I was dreading it. As usual my name was called on cue.

I'd heard the word many times before but I never thought anything of it, never thought it was a condition that really existed. According to the online urban dictionary it was just a word that had become fashionable to describe someone's preference or sexual identity. I'd always identified as just plain old straight but as I stared at the textbook and thought about him I was beginning to think I'd been misdiagnosing myself all this time.  

"Miss. Awkward. Whenever you're ready?!"

The booming voice of Quadruple Professor Adonis Cnut, to give him his full title, was louder this time but I still couldn't bare to look up from the page. It was too late to stand and bolt out the door and although I did think about it, it would have been far too obvious. I coughed and cleared my throat nervously. I was just going to have to get on with it and get it over with.

"HANNAH!"

I quickly jumped to my feet, using the open book to cover my instant blush. It hid the slight tremor in my voice but DAMMIT I could still see his eyes on me. "Sorry sir." That didn't make for a very good start. There was just something about his commanding tone of voice that I loved. It was powerful, masterful, and the fact that he held the room in the palm of his hand when he spoke spun my insides around like a washing machine. I cleared my constricting throat again and took a long deep breath before returning to the page, all while willing the constant thump of my pulse to slow enough so I didn't collapse in a puddle on the floor. "There are many different definitions of Sapiosexuality, but perhaps the most common belong to a person or persons who find intelligence to be the most attractive characteristic in that of another person." I could hear the break in my voice at the end and I'd probably rushed through the sentance far too quickly but I didn't care, it was done. I was just about to sit back down when..

"And the footnote too, if you please.."

Fuck!

"Erm, a prime example of Sapiosexual behaviour is a student falling for their intellectual, often brilliantly accomplished, older or unattractive teacher."

He was still looking at me, those steely blue eyes as sharp as daggers and focusing like they were categorising and filing away every one of my thoughts for future reference. He probably wasn't though because at that moment my thoughts were so filthy that even he would be blushing. My knees felt weak and shaky and I don't know how I managed to sit back down but what I'd read out so far seemed to satisfy him enough and he quickly moved on.

"Good. So is that a possible explanation for what is going on between the two characters here?"

Unsure murmers were muttered throughout the room and I shrugged along with them. As the girl next to me was told to carry on the story I was still staring ahead and barely listening. Yet again I was driven to absolute distraction, feeling the warming rush of lust flood my stomach as my eyes drank him in. He always wore emaculate suits and today's was no exception. The double breasted silver - grey one was my favourite and he looked incredible in it. I'd dreamt of gliding my hands over the material and stripping him out of it countless times, but he wore it so well that in most of my fantasies I rarely made it that far. He also wore an olive green tie, gold tie pin and purple silk pocket square, and he must have been the only person in the world who still wore a watch on a chain and used braces to hold up his trousers but the look really REALLY suited him.

"Pay attention please Miss. Awkward!"

"What?"

The professor sighed, he looked bored to tears, but once again stared me right in the face, and as soon as I realised those eyes were on me again the return of heat roared through my temples.

"For goodness sake Hannah, say pardon! I spend most of my day giving you words, the least you can do is use them!" He grinned, one of his delicious teasing grins that made me squirm in my seat but the next thing he said snapped me right back down to earth. "Uh, you really are Eliza aren't you?"

"Erm, pardon sir?"

"Eliza. Hannah." He repeated obviously. "The main character? The protagonist? Have you been following any of this at all?"

He carried on and I blushed even further, of course I knew who he was talking about. 'My Fair Lady' was one of my favourite films and Eliza Dolittle and I had something very much in common. Despite being uncouth and brash at first she ended up falling in love with her elocution tutor and I knew exactly how that felt.  


"Honestly! I could teach a bunch of laboratory monkeys to enunciate better than some of you. What would you rather have me read, Hannah? Fifty Shades of Grey perhaps?" He said it like he was rinsing a bad taste from his mouth, and as the rest of the class giggled I flushed and stammered,

"Erm, n-no sir." 

A lie.

Luckily he sensed my discomfort and quickly silenced the room. "Alright, that's enough. If you could all quietly read the next paragraph and I'll return Friday's test papers.."

I relaxed immediately as he set off down the row of seats behind mine. Each time he addressed the class he looked directly at me and it made me act like a total idiot and blush uncontrollably. His absence was a welcomed break. I didn't care for the book personally but I would have paid serious money to listen to him read Fifty Shades of Grey and describe every detail in that incredible voice. Then again, I was so attracted to him I could probably get off simply by listening to him sit and read the phone book. The way he constantly singled me out, those intense eyes always giving their undivided attention, was bordering on blatent flirtation and if he gave any more examples of students falling for teachers today then I wasn't going to be held responsible for my actions.

I propped my elbow on the desk and hid my blush with my hand as I re-read the paragraph again. The words were barely making sense as the sound of his footsteps and rap of his cane got closer. Each tap of his heels against the old wooden flooring made blood pound faster in my ears, and whenever he called out a name or threw down a paper I lost my train of thought. I was far too old to have a stupid schoolgirl crush, but to think I could hide it from the cleverest man in Britain was even more absurd. 

It didn't start out like this, I was never usually this antsy around him. I used to love listening to him read and I especially loved his random outbursts whenever he came across a passage he particularly loved. Last weeks example was his best yet,

'Beauty is truth. Truth beauty. Oh fuck me, I love Keats!'

I turn the page and push my grin in my palm. Even though he was disgustingly intelligent, captivatingly gorgeous and had the knack of embarrassing me horribly infront of the entire class, he also made me roar with laughter. I was so caught up in my hazy daydream I didn't notice he was heading back towards me. The sharp swish of his cane as he tucked it under his arm caused a cold draft of air to hit the back of my neck, and it was so erotic it made me visibly shudder. He leant over and put his hand on the back of my chair and I tried not to think about the heat from his fingers warming me up even more.

"Hannah. Sixty-nine. Not your best."

I didn't look up at him, I didn't dare, but as he moved on to the next person I had to try desperately hard to forget the way his stern voice pronounced my name. The way he exaggerated the letter 'H' at the end with a long breathy sigh was so sexual it was pornographic. I picked up my marked test to see where I'd gone wrong, wincing as I glanced at the comment in the corner. It was written in perfect cursive and circled angrily in biro.

'I know you can do better! SEE ME.'

Buggering fuck!!

The first time he made me stay behind after class he held me back for hours. That was what started all of this in the first place and it was becoming such a frequent occurrence I didn't even know if I was failing on purpose just so I could spend more time with him. Having his personal tuition should have been helpful but if I didn't get over this obsession pretty soon I'd never store another piece of information in my head ever again.

I had to endure him talking and scrawling energetically on the blackboard for the next hour and a half, and even when he'd finished and brushed the chalk dust off his hands I could have sworn his eyes were still on me. The cloying tension between us was becoming unbarable, and as much as I wanted to look up and reconnect our gaze the throbbing need between my legs turned me on so much I couldn't bare to. I was thankful when he dismissed the rest of the class but I remained seated and still to receive my so - called punishment. 

This time there was only two of us. Professor Cnut sat perched on the corner of his desk, and I pretended not to notice his thick thighs spreading wider as I focused on the blackboard behind him and nibbled the end of my pen.

"That's quite an oral fixation you've got there my dear." 

"Huh?" I'd been hanging on his every word, staring at his lips and craving them all over me so much I thought he'd finally caught me out. I was relieved when he knodded towards my chewed pen lid and I slammed it down hard on the desk. "Oh, right, yeah." Just when I thought I couldn't blush any further he smiled and stood up, placing both his palms flat on the desk in front of me and leaning in an inch from my face.

"What help do you need? Do you need something I'm not giving you?"

"No sir."

Another lie.

He continued to stare, his gaze slowly travelling to my trembling hands and the tip of his tongue tracing his top lip as his face softened into a grin.

"Oh Hannah, I think we both know that's not true." 

He took my hand in his and only had to trace the inside of my wrist to know that problems with my test were the last thing on my mind. By now I was burning hot and so aroused from the touch of his hand that my pulse must have doubled under his testing thumb. He let go abruptly and went back to the blackboard, picking up the eraser and quickly dusting away his notes.

"Just take the test again. I'll be here, if you NEED me."

I needed him already but I was determined not to make it anymore obvious, and the sooner I stopped staring at his fantastic bum in those snug silk trousers and started writing the sooner I could leave the room and give myself a serious talking to.

It was deathly silent except for the scratching of pen on paper and the occasional creak of floorboards from under his feet. I could also hear the slight huff of his breath but I didn't allow myself to think about that. "Sir?"

"Yes Hannah, what is it?"

"I've finished, can I go now?" He turned and headed towards me again and with his every step closer the air got thicker and hotter. He stood beside me, bent down with a pen, and I had to close my eyes as he read over my shoulder.

"Good. Yes. Uhhuh. Well done.." 

He skimmed over the page fluid and fast like he wasn't really bothered. Furiously ticking and humming out praise as his hand smoothed my hair and settled on the curve of my back. It was only slight but the warmth of his palm bleeding through my thin cotton vest top only made me more hot and bothered, and although it felt incredible I wished he would just stop teasing and rip it clean off. Not only was I hugely attracted to his intelligence, his voice did things to me not even full sex could do, and I could have stared at his gorgeous face until my eyes watered, the urgent need for his hands on me was like nothing I'd ever felt. When he finished marking he threw the pen on the desk and closed both his hands around my shoulders, his voice still teasing, testing.

"Aww no. You don't have to go, do you?" 

"No sir..."

"Mmm, good." He wispered, continuing to softly knead and squeeze my aching muscles. His rough hands were so strong and his softened purr made me dizzy. Everything he was doing was a turn - on I never knew existed until now. "It's been sooooo long since we last had a good hard...conversation."

"Mmhuh." It was meant to be a nod of agreement but it came out so needy I could almost hear his smug grin.

"Oh and you're so tense too, but I can soon sort you out. I have just the thing for relieving that." The tips of his fingers pushed firmly in my skin and his lips finally pressed softly in the back of my neck but it wasn't enough. After thinking about him in the filthiest of ways I needed him to grab, scratch, bite me all over, and fuck me right now on this desk, but that wasn't what I said. "Sir, can I ask you something?"

"But of course dear."

The hum from his lips vibrated in the nape of my neck and as his fingernails dug in and his thumbs circled deeper I couldn't resist. "Did you, ahh, did you really read Fifty Shades of Grey, sir?"

He chuckled and shoved his hands under my vest straps, pulling them down and stroking across the band of my bra. "Oh Hannah of course not, such utter twaddle!" I almost sigh out loud with disappointment but he suddenly winds his hand in my ponytail, yanking sharply so the back of my neck met his tongue, and lapped hungrily over my hammering pulse point. His low growl hot on the patch of skin he'd licked wet. "But surely you don't think I use my cane for walking, do you?"


End file.
